It’s the evening of the 31st and it’s strange sitting and actually reflecting on what position I was in 4 years ago. I was just 16 years old and I knew the time was coming. She was diagnosed when i was around 14 years old and her fight was in no way an easy one. The Hospice had become her home since early January 2013 and I remember visiting daily or as much as I could. Telling her about my audition for the X Factor, holding her hand and just talking to her.
The tears fall as I reflect upon her last week alive, as she got weaker and I watched the lady who I looked up too as my strength fade.
My brain kind of tries to numb this all away. As if one day she is just going to walk through a door and be back from one of her great adventures overseas. Sometimes I double take at a person in the supermarket or mall because they look so similar to how I imagine what she’d look like now. These are a few things they never told me at age 16, the realities of what would happen to me after losing her. But these are just things i’ve learnt to live with and I will probably live with for awhile.
When you’re young and you lose one of the closest people you know it’s too much for you to try and process it. It’s also too hard for most people around you to process (Trust me, being around a bunch of teenagers who don’t know how to deal with death is an awkward time haha). You start to think about what amount of time you suppose to be sad and become worried that you’re not mourning properly. But in all honesty, time doesn’t heal anything and people are right, there isn’t a right amount of time to deal with loss. I honestly think that from the morning I was awoken to be told she’d passed, to my last day of year 13 (2013) my mind was so lost in it that I thought it wasn’t real. There was no time to process and I didn’t allow myself to put my energy into really feeling sorry for myself. I had many moments where I would just cry suddenly or need time alone but in general I was alright.
The two bricks that are in Lower Hutt in remembrance of her.
I also genuinely don’t believe that I will ever accept that she’s gone. A little part inside of me still believes that she’s around somewhere. Death is such a strange thing to try and process. That one day someone can be around and the next not.
Either way, i’m shaving my head to remember her. It’s kind of a strange thing to do, but it’s kind of one of the last things I can think to do. She always told me to never do it and I know if she was around she’d never allow it to happen haha. Maybe this is the teenage rebellion coming through that I never fully got to experience (alongside the group of tattoos i’ve collected over the years).
The reason why i’m doing it for Canteen and not Cancer Society is because Canteen have given me the biggest amount of help since I was told they had an offspring group. They are so caring and have brought me together with some truly awesome people. I’m grateful for them because they’ve given me a lot of professional help that i’ve needed but have always denied in the past. By going to their group hang outs and getting to openly talk about Cancer and how i’m coping it’s helped me in moving forward and reminded me that i’m not alone.
The most important thing in life i’ve learnt, is to not let yourself cope with things alone. So many people are there to help you with any issue. This in turn does not mean it is easy to reach out for the help. I always thought I was better and independent enough to be fine alone. I wasn’t and I’m so happy to have people who are helping me and there when I need professional help.
I’ve also learnt that a lot more people have a lot more happening in their life then you’d ever notice. It’s not uncool to show emotion and to cry. I feel a lot of my friends have had to learn that I do cry and I have become a sensitive soul, but that’s alright.
Um, so yes. That’s kind of why I am hyped for my 21st birthday (23rd of May) . I’m hyped because I get to make a big change to myself and it all goes to a wicked charity that have helped me and so many others a lot.
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