I thought in this moment. It would be the best moment to open this tab and put my fingers to the keyboard. I cope so badly sometimes with the uncontrollable. My anxiety takes over and my headache causes a mist of negativity to make me feel unworthy of anyone’s company. The messages I have received and read are those seeking help or ignoring my presence. There is no in between of knowing who or what will be the right time to respond. My head just roars louder then the weather bomb’s gusts of wind. Yet I have achieved well in most things apart from with people.
I struggle a lot despite studying and analysing people most days at university and people watching by my window. I struggle to understand what makes someone act or be a certain way. Am I just as bad with the people I surround myself? Do I lack the care that I too desire on this exact occasion?
I find myself having seen beautiful views and been pretty lucky with my handful amount of friends and yet I still fret about whether i’m good enough on occasion. A decline of a date spins my head downwards. Another two declines from familiars puts me to bed and as I close the curtain I see myself not leaving this room for a very long while.
It’s alright though, this is merely just my response to not coping with revisited pests of my personal problems. My brain does not respond to coping with certain things with ease. The new of today mixed with the old head hurt allows my mind to tell my bones to squish up together. To use the duvet as my protection from the thoughts that are already skipping around my head.
I am okay, it will pass alike to how weather does. Perhaps one day I will not let the distraction of uncontrollability get away with my mood or day. But right now I might just allow myself to sit and eat a bit of pasta and continue watching ‘Crashing’ online.