Being 20 and Making Changes

When I was younger I remember imagining being 18. I remember thinking of the freedom and greatness of getting to have full ownership of yourself. You no longer were attached to an adult in many cases and a lot of things became legally available.

In honesty turning 18 was actually pretty cool, I felt free to go and see more music live then I had ever before. The gates of opportunity for summer plans felt more inclusive and I have not really looked back with sadness at that.

But being 20 is a weird land. It’s still an awkward time of being categorised as a ‘Young Adult’ and people still say ‘Don’t worry you have time you’re still young’. Yet at that same time I feel the departure of my teens has led me into more breakdowns due to future thinking of worry. I feel as though I should be bigger and better than the mistakes I continue to be making. That in fact what I have learnt from my teenage years has dissolved and I am carrying out the same mistakes. But i’m sure this is more a overthinking mess of mine than a bad realisation.

The thing is, I don’t feel young and I don’t know how a year can change that. Maybe it is because I finally broke out my skin and gained confidence. I somehow feel more full of wisdom from allowing myself to be whoever I want to be instead of just the awkward girl who felt she didn’t deserve better. Either way it’s strange. Only 13 days into 2017 and I feel like i’m out of control of the happenings that are occurring to me. Although I am older and have grown into a better version of myself I still feel stuck in needing to please others constantly. I get myself into situations which at the time I think are alright and then a week later I realise they really aren’t.

Although this is all a small scale rant of the happenings in my head. I continue to doubt that I am moving forward but circling around myself. It’s all a strange bunch of realisations but if anyone can relate please comment!

I’d love to know how you all deal with such worrying realisations.

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About writingforart

20 // anthropology & media major. i love writing, usually poetry, songs and short personal tellings in the form of books. i enjoy event and travel photography. but particularly love telling stories and thoughts.
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2 Responses to Being 20 and Making Changes

  1. For I think the first three years of uni I felt at once growing so quickly and not moving at all. This was partly due to a very kind of codependent relationship I was in which kind of brought both of us back around all the time.

    I’m 23 now but I feel a lot younger I feel like I had three years where I wasn’t moving anywhere. But of course in the last two years so much has happened and I have grown so much I came out as trans a year ago now but it’s still quite hard to see the progress that is made even when there is real obvious outside evidence… I don’t know if this makes much sense and is probably a total tangent but yeah.

    It’s a strange thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bigtimekiwi says:

    I totally get you! its such a strange headspace to be in, not young but not old. i always feel like i should know what i’m doing by now but i really don’t.

    Liked by 1 person

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