When I was younger I remember imagining being 18. I remember thinking of the freedom and greatness of getting to have full ownership of yourself. You no longer were attached to an adult in many cases and a lot of things became legally available.
In honesty turning 18 was actually pretty cool, I felt free to go and see more music live then I had ever before. The gates of opportunity for summer plans felt more inclusive and I have not really looked back with sadness at that.
But being 20 is a weird land. It’s still an awkward time of being categorised as a ‘Young Adult’ and people still say ‘Don’t worry you have time you’re still young’. Yet at that same time I feel the departure of my teens has led me into more breakdowns due to future thinking of worry. I feel as though I should be bigger and better than the mistakes I continue to be making. That in fact what I have learnt from my teenage years has dissolved and I am carrying out the same mistakes. But i’m sure this is more a overthinking mess of mine than a bad realisation.
The thing is, I don’t feel young and I don’t know how a year can change that. Maybe it is because I finally broke out my skin and gained confidence. I somehow feel more full of wisdom from allowing myself to be whoever I want to be instead of just the awkward girl who felt she didn’t deserve better. Either way it’s strange. Only 13 days into 2017 and I feel like i’m out of control of the happenings that are occurring to me. Although I am older and have grown into a better version of myself I still feel stuck in needing to please others constantly. I get myself into situations which at the time I think are alright and then a week later I realise they really aren’t.
Although this is all a small scale rant of the happenings in my head. I continue to doubt that I am moving forward but circling around myself. It’s all a strange bunch of realisations but if anyone can relate please comment!
I’d love to know how you all deal with such worrying realisations.