Dealing with pain and loss over Christmas

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(2012 Christmas, the last Christmas we spent with my mum)

When I was 16 years old my mother passed away from Cancer. She was diagnosed when I was around 14 years old and her cancer journey was both inspiring and heartbreaking to watch. She was the first loss that I had who was near me, as all my family lives between England and South Africa because of this I had not really been close enough to feel the greatest pain of loss that i’ve felt since losing her. It wasn’t a shock that she passed, we knew when she got unwell over 2012 Christmas that she was going down hill and we all visited her in the Hospice daily. My dad, aunty and brother often slept over with her. The memories I have of her in the hospice are so special as she was so strong and would still smile so big even though she knew that her days were getting shortened.

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t crying writing this as no matter how many years or days have passed I still miss her really greatly.

Around Christmas is generally the hardest time of year because it’s the time you spend with family. My mum used to have so many beautiful Christmas traditions and would make every Christmas one to remember. She’d hold a Christmas party at the house and would make sure to cook the best and yummiest lunch of all time.

Honestly I haven’t really enjoyed Christmas since she’s passed, because no amount of presents or new memories could bring her back or the greatness that she brought around Christmas. Mum’s just know how to make everything feel right and know how Christmas should work.

Every Christmas I am still learning how I am suppose to spend Christmas and make my own traditions. I honestly don’t think I will properly feel happier around Christmas until I have my own family to make new traditions. But Until then I just watch lots of comedy films and eat chocolate, spend time with other family and friends and remember my Mum and how she’d want me to be having a great day.

Losing the ones close to you is so hard, the pain doesn’t fade it sticks with you and makes you cry in often the strangest and  most spontaneous of times. It’s hard, and it will probably keep being hard but there are so many amazing things out there to do that keep me wanting to remain on going. I want to see my friends go up and achieve their goals and have families and I want to be there for my own future and hope that it is directed in a way my Mum would be proud of.

To anyone else who is dealing with loss and pain this Christmas whether it’s recent or past I send you my love and hugs and hope you have some amazing people to be with at this time. Soon it will be 2017 and we have so much to look forward too in the New Year!

 

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About writingforart

20 // anthropology & media major. i love writing, usually poetry, songs and short personal tellings in the form of books. i enjoy event and travel photography. but particularly love telling stories and thoughts.
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