light

the light you give me is a light i cannot see for myself.

it is not the changing from darkness but the essence of you being there that lets me feel released from my own doubts of life.

i trip a lot down the stairs of unfortunate thoughts and yet i still remain to breathe the air of today. 

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not knowing myself

i don’t understand my emotions,

how i can be both happy and sad at the same time.

 

i’m trying to not feel so broken,

but my mind does not want to feel alright.

 

it’s easy to just feel like the weather,

the cold and wind that chills away the kind.

 

to my knowledge this is all suppose to be temporary,

but just for now it feels well settled in my mind.

 

all the kindness i have given myself in the past,

has now left without even saying goodbye.

 

if i do not seem myself it’s because today

i do not know myself.

 

but tomorrow i will try my best to presume

to what you might see as fine.

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to my sad self

dear sad self

it’s alright that you don’t feel as good as you did earlier.

it’s okay to not feel like you are where you should be.

uncertainty is normality

normality often pulls away as soon as you thought you were familiar with someone.

 

i miss the sound of laughter when the sunset and it felt homely.

i want to feel the sun on my back as i walk away from the anxiety of last month.

i’m loud in my written but silenced in my spoken.

 

dear sad self,

be sad for now but not forever

better days will move you forward and love you more then right now feels

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you ditched me for someone better

a description of the constant moment i face

so often yet i still keep walking step by step.

 

moving forward feeling backward

why do you keep finding someone better.

 

where is the movement to somewhere further

on the greener side.

 

realising that all this time spent perfecting words

to send was just left in your spam box.

 

i’m done with being the constance of delation.

i’m done with finding purpose when people just leave.

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popcorn for dinner

light and buttery,

yum in my tummy.

popcorn for dinner.

 

no she said

i’ve had dinner

and now im eating popcorn.

 

it was true,

she did not in fact

have popcorn for dinner

 

the end.

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plum on the bathroom floor

today, in the afternoon.

after my hour class of media,

after my hour and a bit time of study.

i went to the bathroom.

 

there on the bathroom floor,

was a very small yet very obvious plum.

i looked at it for awhile as if somehow it could be

related to me.

 

it was distant from me yet still close,

but i just thought that this plum needs to be

talked about today.

so here i am writing about a plum on the floor.

 

i’m sorry you will never be eaten by a human mouth.

maybe you’re the lucky plum.

 

i also apologise because i just realised i brought an entire

box of plums from the supermarket only a few hours later.

what a heartless veg i am.

 

hope you are resting well still on the bathroom floor.

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Facing a Fear & Finally Getting a Blood Test

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3 holes in my arms and 1 on my hand later they successfully got some blood out of me. Who would’ve known that I have the shyest of veins around. It’s been about 10 years (if not more) since I let a nurse stick a needle into me to get blood. Why? I have the biggest fear ever of needles. Sitting here writing this feels fricking good to have broken it. Who knows if I really have broken the fear but i’m just feeling good that it’s over.

I would like to say as a 20 year old young women I did pretty well. But honestly I cried every time the needle was inside me (probably from shock). It’s so strange how our body chooses to react to certain obstacles that we have to face in life. My fear of needles became a pretty active fear at the age of 9 years when we had to get 3 shots at school. Truth be told I passed out at most of them and had to go to the doctors for the last one. It was truly horrible and I remember being 12 and getting my second set of injections and having to be held down. Honestly hate it so much and I wish i wasn’t such a wuss with it and could just be chilled.

I know i’m entirely not alone with this fear and that’s kinda neat bonding with people over our fainting stories and hate of a needle piercing through our skin. Yesterday 14th February was my first attempt at getting my bloods done. Highly unsuccessful due to lack of hydration but really just having naughty veins and problematic circulation. I’m so grateful that I don’t have to go back a third time tomorrow (at that point i’m sure I would faint).

The reality of the situation was I overhyped something that was actually pretty minimal pain. Despite the fact they used the needle that they use on babies (lol) it was relatively low pain. I think my pyschology pain, anxiety and stress around it was so much higher then the physical pain could or would ever be. So I guess looking forward, just go forward with your fears because chances are it’s not gonna be anywhere near as bad!

Another point to make is that blood tests aren’t as bad as tattoos. I don’t know how I sit through the pain of a tattoo with ease but in medical situations I wouldn’t enjoy a needle being near me. I guess because I love the art that tattoos are and the studios aren’t intimidating at all.

Question of the Day is what are your fears & are you going to try face them in 2017?

 

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A Single’s Guide To Loving Yourself

It’s early and my calendar has reminded me over the fact today is lover’s day aka Valentines Day. But you know what it’s not. Sure the media and marketing side of the world will shove the ideas of the ‘perfect way to spend today’. But lets take a moment to just sit back and realise we’re the ones who need to love ourselves. Self love is so flipping important and yet it is not talked about enough on days like today.

This is how i’ll be spending my Valentines day and some tips for you!

  1. Not feeling sad or sorry for myself for being single because the single life gives me such freedom and spontaneous fun.
  2. Not in doubt of my worth just because I don’t have a significant other to bathe me in flowers, chocolates or love notes. Words from friends and family today are just as significant as from a partner. Send love to your friends and family because they deserve it so much! Also remember to give your pets lots of love today too because they’ve been there for you and it’s important to be there for them! 
  3. Treat yourself! Buy that album you’ve wanted to buy. Drive yourself to your favourite dessert place to get your favourite snack. Embrace the moments just as much as this over marketed days show you to.
  4. Take moments in the day to reflect on how far you’ve come as a person. Your achievements whether big or small are notable and you should be proud of yourself.
  5. If you wanna do something truly awesome and giving. Donate to my head shave for Canteen!  https://givealittle.co.nz/fundraiser/aheadshavetoremember Would mean so much and the money is going to a better place then that box of chocolate will be going.

All in all don’t hate on yourself for being single. It’s fine, great and wonderful to be. The day will come and if you don’t feel it will, do something actively to make it feel like it will!

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Here’s a cheesy picture of me showing my self love by allowing myself to post a selfie  online (which i  barely do these days).

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Unexpected Bad News

I didn’t really think today would go this badly. I mean it could be worst. But this year for me my focus is acing university. I have 4 papers left of my studies at the University of Canterbury. Studying over the past few years has become my comfort and focus and i’ve enjoyed it (even the amount of sleepless nights i’ve stressed over assignments). But today I got a nightmare(ish) email saying one of my main media papers has been cancelled.

I’m not one to usually be dramatic about a situation. But today has just been too much for my little mind. I think it probably fits with the fact i’ve already had enrolment problems with the anthropology department. Those problems were out of their hands though and I feel so in the dark about why this paper was cancelled (i’m sure there’s good reason why). The thing is i’m struggling to find peace with the fact i’m now not in control of my future suddenly. I get that life throws speed balls and unexpected things happened but I just didn’t think it would in this circumstance and I don’t really know where to think forward. I’ve gone through all the possible options and they’re not really that great. I guess we’ll see what wednesday morning’s meeting will lead to.

Question for you all. How do you cope with unexpected bad news? What’s the best way to move forward and think positively about the future?

 

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people who keep disappearing

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